“Epilepsy is something nobody knows much about. It’s just part of me, part of my head, part of what is happening in there. Sometimes something in my brain triggers it off.” ~ Neil Young

After being diagnosed with Epilepsy in October of last year, following a seizure I had in August that left me breakdancing on a woodland floor and being taken to hospital, it has since, stirred many emotions within. Anxiety and frustration have certainly done the rounds, but the one emotion that has kicked the hardest has been one of anger. Questions like, why did this happen, could it have been avoided, was it the previous years highs and lows or was it going to happen anyway? This has all added fuel to the feeling of anger. With stress being a major trigger along with lack of sleep being another, curbing those angry emotions, has never been harder.

Since my diagnoses, I have developed a very keen interest and demand for more information on the illness, not in a hypochondriac way but to find out more why my noggin can all of a sudden decide to have hissy fit and knock me on my arse. Epilepsy is a very complex illness but also very interesting – things are not always straight forward and it’s very different from person to person. There are several different types of seizures and I have been diagnosed with suffering from both focal aware and generalised seizures. To give it’s full name, the one I had in August of last year was a secondary generalised tonic clonic seizure. For me, it was lights out for 10-15 minutes. Usually seizures last for around three minutes but anything over five minutes, you’re going to hospital; so I had no fucking choice in this case! The one thing I always get just before a seizure is what they call an aura – your brain’s warning signal. Again, this can be different for each person but it’s often a feeling of deja-vu, intense joy or fear, flashing lights, or even hallucinations. It is at this point you know you are screwed and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

For me, the feelings outside of the seizures are where my battles often lie. The anger and frustration of it all is what really fucks me off. I’m not looking for others to feel sorry for myself, that would only wind me up even more, it is the fact that presently, I am restricted in my work and not being able to drive – the main two things that get to me the most. I know with time and giving the medication chance to work, these are things I will eventually be able to do again. Being a gardener is not just a job, it is something you can lose yourself in. It helps you with the every day stresses and can have a calming affect on your mind; and for me, it is the same with driving. I have in the last few years travelled thousands of miles, on my own with just my thoughts and music, often taking in the wonderful scenery along the way. I drove most days, and in some ways, it is this that I miss the most. Not just for the me time, but the fact that you are in charge (most of the time) of where you go and when, and not having go when the train or bus timetable dictates. Oh, and by the way … I fucking hate public transport! So with the restrictions and removal of the things that help with your mood (even if only temporary), it’s tricky to calm the mind. Stress and lack of sleep for me, are the most likely triggers.

Hopefully this post won’t come as just a rant. I hope it also helps some, to become more aware of epilepsy, as awareness and better understanding is something this condition desperately needs. It’s also the stigma it has and the fear of what to do when someone hits the deck and starts breakdancing. Being a metalhead, breakdancing is not something I thought I would ever do. Although when I have had a seizure, I do end up doing a bit of backwards headbanging.

After a five year break, I have started blogging again. Writing is something I do find very cathartic and calming, even if what I am writing is total bollocks … it still helps. And it was while going through some of my old posts, that I came across a blog I wrote a few years back about the garden you can always visit, the one that is always in your mind and your memories … a garden where you can go to relax and calm that brain down. I have added this 2019 post below, not just as a reminder to myself, but I thought it is relevant (ish) to this post.

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It’s a kind of Magic

“From December to March, there are for many of us three gardens – the garden outdoors, the garden of pots and bowls in the house, and the garden of the mind’s eye.”
– Katherine S. White

 

 

Now there is one place I can lose myself in and that place is the garden. It is a place where I can go and feel safe, a place where you can remove yourself from the stresses of everyday life.

For me it is a place that often opens the secret door into another garden, which is the one in your head. Especially when times are stressful at work and in life, the times when life’s worries and stresses get on top of you and you need that time out.

“In my garden there is a large place for sentiment.  My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams.  The thoughts grow as freely as the flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful.”  ~Abram L. Urban

For me, there is no better place than in the garden. Finding a nice quiet spot away from everything and everyone, closing your eyes taking in the sounds, smells and the atmosphere of the garden around you. Then visualising your own secret garden merging the two together.

“Of course there must be lots of Magic in the world,” he said wisely one day, “but people don’t know what it is like or how to make it. Perhaps the beginning is just to say nice things are going to happen until you make them happen. I am going to try and experiment.” ~Frances Hodgson Burnett

With the sounds and smells of the garden around you combined with the vision of your own secret garden, tackling the issues of the day or your life in general feels a lot less threatening.
Opening your eyes again to the real world, seeing the reality of the garden around you, at work it is a real pleasure at home … well that’s not go there, too much to do; often feeling a lot calmer and refreshed knowing that you can always go back to it at any time. With me I am usually brought back down to earth with a bump, when my phone starts ringing, usually somebody asking the bleeding obvious, or my Deputy telling about a meeting that I have forgotten all about.

As a child I was very lucky that I had a very real secret garden to go too with my Grandad … Green Knowe (Hemingford Grey Manor). The more I think about it, this is the garden I go back to in my sub-conscious. It is a place that I feel very safe, happy, calm with all the good memories; it is a place of hope and somewhere were you have no visitors … only the ones you allow.

It is a place that is very much in my thoughts at this present time, as I near the 21st anniversary of my Grandads death. My Grandad passed away on the 19th December 1991 and he was buried on the 24th December. Christmas Eve was always a special day for me, even before the death of my Grandad, but since then, even more so. At the time of his death I was 21 and with the 21st anniversary this year, I have now realised I have had half my life without him. His death did hit me hard at the time but I was able to move on. It is because he played such a big part in my life that he is often in my thoughts and I have a lot of good memories of him; these help me in times of stress in the present day.

 

 

Going back to that secret garden in your head, how many times do you close your eyes to try and visualise that particular plant, border, planting scheme or garden ornament, to see if it will fit into place … it will nearly always give the answer you were looking for.

The garden itself is a magical place, admittedly not every garden, I have seen some real nightmares in my time, I have already mentioned my garden at home. However all gardens are full of life, unless you have tarmacked everything, they are place full of flora and fauna both friend or foe; a place to relax, to play, work, laugh and cry; a place where many grow up in, get laid to rest in and a place to learn in. The garden itself is one of the best teachers in life you could ever have.

“Teachers who inspire know that teaching is like cultivating a garden, and those who would have nothing to do with thorns must never attempt to gather flowers.”

The garden is not just good for the environment, but it is also good for a persons piece of mind. A place to escape and it doesn’t matter how big, small or how grand that garden is, just as long as it gives you that feeling of belonging a place that is good for the soul. As for the secret garden in your head …. now that can be whatever you want it to be.

 

 

“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” ~ Douglas Adams

 

 

“You get peace of mind not by thinking about it or imagining it, but by quietening and relaxing the restless mind. Your nature is absolute peace. You are not the mind. Silence your mind through concentration and meditation, and you will discover the peace of the spirit you are and have always been.” Remez Sasson